Should I Stay or Should I Go

I was born into a family full of paradox and some of them were of existential nature to me and very early – as a baby – I developed a skill to leave the body. It would appear as I had left completely but I was there…just not there there.

So how come I stayed? Why didn't I just leave? I believe I was held by something much greater than my family. I just didn’t know it at the time!

Being a healer was in my genes, in my blood in each and every cell. Both my grandmothers actively did some kind of healing work and my mother was a medical doctor. I was also a teacher from my early years on. I remember starting to teach in first year of my primary school. I was a horrible teacher at that time. I would have this wooden ruler and I would hit my friends with it if they did something wrong. You can imagine our class teacher was not too happy nor were my friends in the classroom!

So, for me, being where I am now was clear from the very beginning. I just didn't know about it. But since it was obviously so deeply embedded, inherited in my DNA, I guess there was this force that kept me staying instead of leaving.

When I look at these parts of my life from the perspectives of NKH I can see shatterings and husks, bits and pieces of something that needed a deeper understanding of life to travel from the brokenness to arrive at the fruit of wholeness and understand the ever-changing flow of it.

In 2010 I first stepped into Jason's class and it seems I have never really left. Having my own school on nondual ethics – the program that I put together - teaching it in Slovenia and Serbia, is just where I want to be. Have I stopped asking myself 'Should I stay or should I go'? Oh, God, no!

Staying with this dilemma even today, helps me stay sane, helps me see the world through my eyes and embrace life as it is. It helps me to pause when I tend to re-run old programs of running away of leaving the body and hurting myself and others. It helps me to breathe and stay in the gap between one thought and another, one sensation and the next.

As soon as I finished my training as an energy healer I started to work on one of my big love – Ethics. I believe ethics is one of the most interesting territories of human life. In fact, it encompasses our entire life, our existence, our functioning, our thoughts and our emotions.

I believe ethics is the matter of the heart. Of course, it includes all of us and all of what is around us but at the end it is in our hearts. 

Ethics without relationship does not exist. First, there is the relationship inwards, to ourselves, to our own values and actions. This inner relationship is the fundamental relationship of all relationships, and includes a wide range of everything we are, what we feel about ourselves and what we think and do. This is the key to all other relationships, to all of our relationships.

Ethics is including relationships in the broadest sense of the word as it involves interactions between two beliefs, lives, subjects, wishes, emotions - fear and courage, hatred and love, joy and sorrow… and between two persons.

I had to meet my own duality and separation and embrace it in order to find my ground in it. Learning when to leave and when to stay, how to go and how to come back was one of the important elements for me. The practice of running and returning turned to be an amazing tool for me and a new home. Claiming the conscious fully aware decision about where I wanted to be started to sprout the seeds of true me.

I used to separate life into the problems that can be solved and those that can't. When I would meet those that couldn't be solved, I left. I wouldn't think to stay with unsolvable. I couldn't bare it. Learning with Jason, other ASOS teachers and my healer Stephanie helped me and is still helping me to sit with questions:

1. How to solve the unsolvable?
2. How to accept the unacceptable?
3. How to understand the not understandable?
4. How to change the unchangeable?
5. How to heal the unhealable?

We all have tendency to find the solution, ease the pain and suffering, improve ourselves and heal the world. Not being able to bear this conflict makes as do unethical things and we most probably are not even aware of doing them.

For me these questions are opening a gateway to nondual perspective of life, the one that I have learned and am still learning.